Narcissistic Lesbian

From the archives:

 

 

A narcissist by definition is an overly self involved, often vain, and selfish person. A step further it is a person who suffers from narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder, those are the ones who receive gratification from admiration of his or her own mental and physical attributes. And this my dear is just the definition. Being a narcissist or having moments of narcissism is totally different from someone who suffers gravely, we all have our moments of confidence so calm down it may not be you just yet. These ladies take it to the extreme.

We may have all seen her, dated her, been friends with, or hell even fell in love with her, I mean she is this beautiful woman with the “best” of everything. We meet her in the club or hanging with friends she is the one with the beautiful smile, nicely dressed, smells good just ummmph, right! The chase begins we engage her in conversation, flirt super hard, get her number, may buy her a drink or something, yep all that! A few days later because we don’t want to seem pressed we call her and it’s dope for the first few months, normal honeymoon phase. You know that period where we do things we may never do again, but that’s ok too.
And then it happens, it was a pair of Jordan’s that she wanted a new release, collector’s classic, no re-release. And you did not get them, it suddenly becomes a big deal. A whole argument of you nevers, I always have to, remember that time, and I have to have these {insert reasons}. All of which are based on being in the know and not looking a way to her friends because she did not get them. These shoes somehow made her valuable and important, and you just messed it up for her. For a long minute you entertain her, more hurtful things are said, expressed and you end up apologizing. After said argument and apology, and no response to your phone calls or texts messages, she pops up in the very shoes you did not get. With major side eye and attitude you open your mouth to question the arrival of these shoes, and you are given a dry ass “why not you”. This may seem like a trivial example but it is actually the starting point of what is a long road of red flags and clear signs of extreme narcissism and in this example is truth.
Narcissists feel what you are not willing to do someone else will and without remorse for accepting, and it’s something you made them do. They will tell you about their indiscretions without a care of how you feel, think, or want. It’s totally about them and how dare you complain. The mentality consistent that sets them apart from just being confident is yes I hurt you but how dare you tell anyone about it.
Commonly in the lesbian community we suffer at the hands of this abuse, call it what it is, but we suffer at the hands of this for various reasons. The signs are missed, it’s no one to talk to, and somehow we want to protect them from things too. How would it look, the Carter’s of the LGBT community, having problems or someone is abusive. And the story is never told why you left, you just did and somehow you are still the bad guy, you hurt them. Sucks right, girl I know!
Sugar listen, here are a few ways to tell the difference between a few self centered ways and narcissism:
1. Manipulation
2. Control
3. Suppression of your wants outside of themselves.
4. Always requiring being the center of attention. Good or bad attention it does not matter, it’s all good.
5. Yes, I hurt you, but don’t you dare tell anybody and if you do beware.

These are just a few, does it sound like someone you know, of course it does. In an attempt to bounce back from this depending on how long this was your life, it is a bit of a challenge. You second guess things, it truly may make it difficult to start over. But honey, real quick, give those folks back their shit! It was them not you.
A quick healing tip, write them a letter expressing your feelings about the things that took place. Say it all, say all the things you know will fall on deaf ears if you were to say them. And when the moon is full burn it. Cry if you need to, doing this releases and frees you. You deserve life after the Narcissistic lesbian. Write a second letter with the focus being forgiving yourself and accepting the new reality. Who were you and how did you love before this? What did you learn, how can you grow? It’s a long road ahead these letters are the beginning of getting back some of the pieces that they either left you with or took with them.
In order to know what love is, you have to learn what it isn’t’. Make peace with it and let’s go!

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Discernment

I’m on social media, you are on social media, we are all on social media. Being a channel for certain things and still maintaining your own healing process requires a bit of spiritual discernment. In essence you are a vessel, a communicator between realms but at the same time a facilitator for your own growth. With that being said,, everything that comes to you in channel or the thoughts that pop into your mind are not to be for public consumption.

Opening up that line to be guided through healing, sometimes things that come through are messages for you. It’s nothing wrong with sharing but be mindful of source. It’s cool watching us all on this journey of ascension or awakening, peeling back those layers of oppression, self hatred, pain, generational curses, etc. but we also have to be mindful not to spiral completely out of wack because so much is being brought to the forefront.

It’s a fine line between actually healing someone and engaging in a narcissistic toxic processes. The addiction to the likes, attention and the amount of ego strokes a day with that attention is what the toxicity within self thrives on. For example, if you were a movie star and won academy awards and labeled amongst the elite but you fell off without warning. And you showed up to events and dinner parties, but no one recognized you. You are standing there like it’s me, you know me I’m academy award winning so and so. And the person you are having this conversation with draws a blank it’s like what. So the ego moves to another group and if the same thing happens you feel a way. If engaging in the upheaval of your inner child wounds or shadow self, and no longer being a star, your ego is starving but a part of you that still craves that ego stroking. And now you have this thing, I am a channel for spirit, let me type this on social media. Your ego says “ooooh honey, look at those likes. You poppin!” So you do it again. And again and by the end of the day, there are all these likes but you are spiritually, physically and emotionally worthless. Yep there I said it.

Your ego along with spirit rode you fast, long and hard. But now there is this slump, a brick wall of you. Being a vessel, a channel is super cool, don’t get me wrong. But sometimes those lessons are just for YOU. Certain gifts have to be cultivated before you put them out there like that, because when folks walk up on you, they expect on demand delivery of all your spiritual gifts. You are a healer, well heal me. And while I think we should all be protecting or energy and our magic, if you are speed balling like the guru of Niggashimi, Kundalini, and I can consult with this babalwo or orisha, or it is ‘I’ the one who knows it’s kinda expected, unfairly at times, to channel on demand. And not being able to deliver certain things at certain times taints the experience of a healer or spiritual channel.

Take a minute, write some of these things down, ask for discernment, ground yourself with being in that space. Discernment is really key in all things. But especially when dealing with the ego. It’s a spiritual responsibility that comes into play and also a health concern for yourself. The side effects include erratic mood swings, emotional emptiness, big chunks of time are lost, and a straight jacket. Seriously, I have had those moments and I had to check myself like ok, sugar honey girl if you do not get it together your new name will be the crazy chick.
I have said this before on Instagram as it appears to be a common theme, ego is a helluva drug. In my opinion the addiction is stronger than anything on the market. With ego, you are the supplier and the source, we all know what happens when you get high on your own supply. Yep, you end up in a corner shaking and shivering somewhere.

Check it, I didn’t intend for this to be so long, but man listen, ground yourself, ask for discernment with your spiritual gifts and make moves accordingly before you blow a fuse. And there is no coming back from that, check your local asylum for confirmation.

Consciousness.

Take a deep breath. Release it.

It is a personal journey, it’s called your life. That’s the gag! It is the freedom from all the things deep rooted that may be holding you back, and then developing skills, life skills to walk in the fullness of that freedom.

Spirituality or consciousness flows through all religions, all cultures and ethnic groups. For me it has been breaking away from doctrine/ideology, generational curses, my own pain and developing a way of life that resonates with my spirit/soul. My path is mine, your path is yours. It only matters that it’s true and from a place of worship and love in your own soul.

Consciousness is an awareness. And that awareness starts and stops with you.  It’s in every breath you take and release. First entering in this chapter of my life, I had some very real conversations with myself about what I wanted to do. What I wanted to understand, and who I wanted to be at the end of this. To be totally honest, the conversation was, “I want to get to the bottom of all the lies I believed to be true about me.” Broken into a million pieces, without any direction of where I was going to live, how was going to eat, you know basic survival stuff,  and with tears rolling down, “No one deserves this brokenness, not even me.” I was thinking about the last 11 years of my life, all that was endured and I made a vow to myself that I wanted love, to be loved for me not because I was broken. I did not want to give anyone the broken love I had, but the real love that I believe exists.

It was not a go to bed tonight and a wake up, I’m woke! I’m conscious, now! It was 31 years (my entire life), looking back at me in the mirror, saying ok deal with this, all of it. And deal with it raw, nobody to fill that space, no job to fill the space, nothing just you. Has it felt good? The response is simple hell no. The bottom of the lie, the agreement to not give brokenness, what was I thinking?! In the midst of trying to heal from a broken heart, just as sho as grits is groceries, life began to happen in a different way. Over time,  every lie I believed surfaced, every hurt I felt surfaced and looked me square in the face like what’s up. And they still do. Some points the conversation was yeah no, someone give me a life raft or something, save me! Or a pause, easy button, a drink, something to numb or stop what was happening. But it was what I asked for, healing my love center.

I am not a guru on consciousness or healing and don’t profess to be, I can only share my experience with it, in the hopes it may help someone. Or just be a point of reference for myself to hold me accountable. In healing, I found me, heard my own voice, felt my love, and learned new tools through experiences to live, authentically. And I want to share that with you.

In my mind, consciousness and healing go hand in hand, the absence of it, in my mind feeds the ego, starves the soul. Which is ass backwards to me. The operative is to feed the soul, starve the ego and flourish in God consciousness, walking as kings and queens, a state of being with substance,  and reap the fruits of the spirit versus anything else.  I could be wrong, I’m human.

Before I venture off into a whole other post about my viewpoints on the “woke” community let me get to a closing point. I felt in order to share, I needed to first be clear about my intentions and motives. Check my heart. And be able to sustain myself. I am a firm believer you can’t tell a story you haven’t healed from. I invite you to come back next week for a chat. I allow the spirit to lead me in topics of discussion, so come back, you here.

 

 

 

Like I never left.

How the Sam Hill are you doing? Are you still here with me? It’s been such a long time, since I posted a blog. Life has happened in such a major way since my last post. A part of healing is that it does require work.  But I will say it gave so much to talk about, let me tell you, honey.

Its my goal to be consistent with blog posts, weekly to start and build from there. But bare with me, as I’m working on the finishing touches of a project as well.

I want to be present with you and you with me.  And truly be back in this thang with you, like I never left. We have work to do.

 

Shifting

IMG_0100.JPGI am in this body.  I am not this body. For years, I had issue with people wanting to see me, not this body but my heart, spirit and mind.  The vastness of my mind in totality.  I felt a dance in my spirit this particular day.  It’s kinda my thing.  I felt it in my bones.

I had a female suitor stop by my job and she wanted to have tea or coffee after work.  Ok no harm in that so I agreed.  We met at a local hookah bar, cool! We had tea and talked a little bit, the music was playing and it was laid back.  Little did I know but the hookah bar turned into a club scene after a certain hour.  No issues I can adapt.  Long story short we ended up having to move because they charge for booths after a certain hour also. The DJ hit a serious mix of all the trap songs I love and my first reaction, dance! Get up and dance. I did, a quick wine and two step and I was moved to sit down.

The atmosphere around me changed, the energy changed and I felt angel kisses down my arms.  I was looking at the TV, my suitor asked if I liked soccer, I was so dazed I was unsure of what I was watching.  I was stuck and could not move.  A young fella comes and sits next to me and my angel kisses increased.  He asked me to watch his coat, and cash money took over for the 99. But in my seat I was still sitting,  I rubbed my arms because those angel kisses would not let up.  They came in waves to the point I appeared to be shivering from being cold.  My suitor rubbed my arm with hands like icicles, it did nothing for those angel kisses.

Just like that my body was covered, I was trying to distract myself from these feelings by continuing to dance but seated.  The young fella that was seated next to me asked me to hold his hookah stick for a second. I agreed and he got up.  My suitor had a look like did he just ask you to hold his hookah. She attempted to take it from my hand and put it down.  But I sat there and said it’s ok.  No coincidences only my spirit leading the way.  It forced me to sit still.

I was in overload.  I was shifting and shedding right there in a crowded hookah bar.  A million thoughts began to filter through my mind.  A major question popped into my mind, “WHO, ARE YOU?” It was loud and vibrated in my ears.  I was no longer present in my body, although aware of my surroundings.  I heard the words of my business associate Parker and friend Bambi. Parker’s words, “This will be epic.” And Bambi, “Everyone is not for you, and the one’s who are you will know.” “My Nubian soul sista, you are more than your body, the right one will see.”

And I sat right there and did not move, holding some strangers hookah stick.  I am in this body but I am not this body.  “Shakita, what is your legacy?”, my spirit asked me.  She continued,” If you always had this thing about people knowing more than your body.  Sit right here and feel who you are.”

And I did what I do best I felt, and I understood.  I had to see what people saw when they looked at me, I had to feel my purpose, I had to looked beyond that moment. And the question came again, “Shakita,  what is your legacy?”

My suitor tried to urge me, with encouraging words of it was ok, I sat right there. I was known and still am known as Shakita with the fat ass depending on who you ask. But is that my legacy.

In that moment, I was no longer just Shakita with the fat ass.  I was your girls favorite writer, I was a Reiki Master, I was a Healer, Lightworker.  I had become who I was becoming. I had arrived at empowerment.

Right there in a hookah bar, with music blasting, I shifted. Not to become a prisoner but to be aware. I was not the victim. I was the success story. I was not the body but the spirit. And dancing in this place mattered in more ways than one. So I sat there holding this strangers hookah stick.  And crossed my legs until he returned. I’m sure my suitor was not to happy about my choice not to dance. But I understood at a deeper level, a grander scale who I was, and what would I be giving to dance seductively to reggae music in front of this stranger? Who would I be giving?

She asked me was I ready to go and I was already fastening my coat.  I left the old me right there in the Paradise Lounge Hookah bar.

Day 716

img_0093Day 716 of celibacy but who is counting! Uh me duh! November 4, 2014 I made a decision to be celibate. Well it was an idea this young lady gave me. I will call her Sunshine, well Sunshine had this agreement between herself and a group of folks she knew to be celibate for a few months.  I guess because the choices and decisions they made were skewed by sex.  They signed on a napkin, dated it and all. So me at first was in my feelings like for real, we had a good thing going here! There goes my friend with benefits, sheesh!

I got to thinking about it, the decisions I made in my past, and how much I had endured as far as sex was concerned so  it made sense to do it. I struggled with this for a minute because it was like man, I like sex. I liked sex with her. She had this way about her my goodness! Ok snap out of it Shakita…the story!

All these thoughts went through my mind about what was I going to do to fill that need and void.  I mean so much of how we do things has a motive of sex behind it.  Until that day, I did not realize just how much emphasis I had on sex.  And my relationship with it.

Now from a spiritual standpoint, sex is energy.  It’s an exchange for pleasure hopefully,  but it’s creative energy that is stored in your sex. It’s so much more than just a nut if you will. When channeled and used for other things.

It was unintentional for the celibacy to last this long,  but with channeling that sexual energy into other areas of my life. Like gardening, painting, crafting, writing I discovered a million and one different things about myself. What other things I want in a relationship with someone outside of just great sex. It took away the need for sex as a basis for dealing with someone just because. I’m not going to sugar coat it and say I don’t have days where I don’t want to use the energy to create, I’m human. It gets rough, and I want to knock everybody stuff on the floor and scream bloody murder. And in those instances it’s other avenues, because sometimes you have to rub one out!

Being celibate changed shit.  It has changed the way I date. Now baby let me tell you, all those sayings of wear granny panties and don’t shave in order to keep you from having sex is the sho’nuff truth.  As women we are particular about our yoni and being seen a certain way. Hence, the meme of the lady covered in shaving cream, to prepare for that arrival after the I’m about to come thru text. My motto is if you stay ready you never have to get ready. It’s law, don’t dispute it!

Since the full moon, my chakra healing focus has been root and sacral.  Root chakra is the chakra located at the base of your spine. It’s responsible for your sense of safety and security. Balancing and healing the root chakra creates the foundation for all others.  It grounds you to Earth. The root chakra deals with your basic needs being met. If the root chakra is imbalanced it manifests in the body as anxiety and fear. It is associated with the color red. I painted my nails red, my bra has been red, even my lipstick.

Sacral chakra, known as the creativity and sexual chakra.  It is above the pubic bone and below the navel. It is associated with the genitals, it translates into the dwelling place of self. If the sacral is imbalanced you fear change, emotional instability, sexual dysfunction, and even depression.  It is associated with the color orange, creative expression and honoring your body. You may feel open in some areas but not open in others. Or conform to follow the rules to fit in, or base decisions about what is acceptable to others.

In honor of my upcoming Celibacy Anniversary, partnered with my sacral healing work this week. I decided to treat myself to a Brazilian Wax, thanks Groupon! I was not prepared however for it to be a different experience to my European Wax center experience. How wrong was I?! I was super wrong. I wanted to kick her in the face. Straight up! I was laying there thinking of different ways to get out of it. But I had already took my pants off. The esthetician was already in the room, ain’t no turning back now huh?

The experience reminded me, one I’m not going to wait this long EVER again, but also to allow myself pleasure and the joys of life to naturally flow and exist in my life.  To endure all that yanking and pulling of fine hairs, directly links to the pulling and yanking that life does daily. To allow that but not allow true joy, creativity and expression after all the work you have done. It pulled from me that old stagnant energy, repression if you will. Trusting my healing work, enough to say I can handle being intimate with someone, without judgement, fear, and it’s ok! I’m human. I can come out of hiding.  Literally, HA!

Healing work is real! All that from a trip to get a wax…be free folks!

 

 

 

Single is Life…

I can not count how many times I was given advice about being single that was like a death sentence. Advice like you need to heal and maybe you will find someone. Or you have to be ok with being by yourself in order to be with someone else.

While its some truth to it, it does not make a person any less dateable. Which is the part that most of us single folk could get caught up in.

You have read all the self help books, put them into action and still your single. Thinking that the advice you got from your booed up counterparts was a shoe in for a relationship.

Realistically though, take a look around and do inventory of the relationships that these people are in, what do you see? Now some may look around and see bliss, in certain situations this is true in others not so much.  It’s cheating, trust issues, ex drama, and loneliness while in a relationship. And I began to wonder well damn did they take their own advice before getting in a relationship?

The death sentence began the moment you looked at things from someone else’s perspective as if something was wrong with you for being single. Ummm hello, hell no!

Single for some is about self love and preservation and living. Being happy across all avenues and being open to a relationship. A real one, not I’m single, woe is me, let me get a boo. Single for some means I’m open to all the possibilities around me but I’m not here for the bull lol.

And when I do it again I want it to be something totally different than anything I have had before.  Let’s be honest dating after 30 is a bit of work because the mentality is different. What are we doing? Where are we going? How are we growing together and separately?

People are perfectly imperfect and no ones past relationships are definitive to what is to come. Healing is necessary true but it does not make people less dateable or unworthy of a relationship, neither does being independent.  Too many folks in codependent relationships giving damn relationship advice! But that’s my opinion.

To all you partnered, married folks stop giving advice to people from a space that says no one will want you because you have a past.  If anything it makes them more eligible not less, especially if they dealt with their bags and are better.  Ask more questions and be encouraging or shut the hell up, because someone wanted you and you used to be still is a hoe bag! Ok!